i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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