you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
50% drunk capacity currently
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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