I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
