I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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