checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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