I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
