Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
