When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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