I accidentally burped into my bong.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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