alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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