I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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