my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
not ubering you a puppy
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
