dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
