so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
not ubering you a puppy
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
