I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
