he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
the condom got lost in my hair
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
