My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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