I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
