I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
