i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
