I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
