you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
