Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
