wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
