i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
