if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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