I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
