i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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