there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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