my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
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