i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
