turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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