Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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