I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
