My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
