did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
