I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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