I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
