I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
