Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
