Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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