Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
