My room smells like vodka and shame
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Dicks are not precious.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
