I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
