dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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