some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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