When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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