roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Randomize
