some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
