did you get engaged???
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
